Inspiration and Chaos

I had a whole series of articles planned for this month. I’d written a fair few, set them up to release while I was in America staying with Tom. And then the volcano happened, and I had a whole extra week of staying with Tom – wonderful in so many ways, tremendous inspiration, and not good at all for the blogging.

The material I’d planned was broad and general, but I think I’m going to write more personally. There’s been more happening between my ears in the last few weeks than usual, I’m awash with ideas, and despite being sleep deprived and time- disorientated, my thoughts are pinging around like crazy.

Being with Tom is, for me, about the optimal scenario on terms of inspiration. We share our work, talking about it, working alongside each other – tremendously companionable to be writing while he draws. The support is enriching, his responses keep me going. We play a lot, taking time to walk, catch live music, we went to poetry slams, sought new experiences. Moments of wonder (seeing a double rainbow) became more profound for being shared. It works so well because we’re very much on the same wave length, and mutually besotted.

One of the things I’ve learned, is that it pays to be open to chaos. I’m a bit of a control freak. Not in terms of needing to control other people, but to do with how I shape my own life. I like to feel like I am mistress of my own destiny. I have no power over volcanoes, airlines and other such things. I found myself entirely at the mercy of other forces, and obliged to go with that. Once I let go of the fear this inspired, the chaos opened the way to new possibility and experience.

Being in control feels safer, but I’m aware it limits the kind of experiences I can have. Letting someone else lead, being more open to opportunity and going what happens – is good. I find it hard to do, but I had some very forceful lessons from the volcano, and I have learned. The more open I’ve become, the more I’ve had a sense of being held – I might not be in control (I probably never was, but the illusion offered comfort) but the universe is not an entirely hostile place. Any experience is an opportunity to learn, at the very least.

So I explore being more open, trusting that I do not have to be steering everything in order to be safe. Embracing the chaos a bit, the inspiration flows more freely. It’s not a process I’d anticipated. I have no idea where it will carry me, and that’s fine.