All posts by myristica1

Opening Doors and Parking Spaces, Rain And Bird Song

As the battle goes, so do the eyes open to see.

Many times over the last few months as I’ve been going to treatments and dealing with this ‘transition’, as someone wisely opined about this event, I’ve seen things most of us take for granted.  My cat never sleeps on my stomach.  The day I was diagnosed with the tumor, he plopped down on my abdomen right over where the tumor was found and slept there for about 2-3 hours.  I was so exhausted emotionally that I didn’t move during that entire time.  Plus, I didn’t want him to move so I stayed where I was, feeling his healing energy flow into me.  He knew.  The Universe knew.

Going to my Radiation treatments, for two treatments in a row I went to the elevator doors and before I even reached out to touch the button to call them up, the doors opened and I just walked right on in.

One day, after receiving my disability placard for my car, we drove into the parking lot of the hospital for the last chemo treatment.  Mom said, “There’s a spot over here,” she waved over to a far corner of the lot.  I had already turned down the aisle for the handicapped.  (My mom needs it as much as I do, she suffers a lung illness and can’t walk far without needing to sit down.)  I told her, “Let’s just see if there’s a spot open here.”  No sooner did I finish the sentence than a car pulled out of a handicapped space and we were able to pull right in.  My mom just rolled her eyes, “I give up.  You’re right, you’re right.  The Universe is with us.”

We go to the elevator…it opens up again.  Mom just gave me another look.  I just grinned.

During one treatment, we arrived on time, but they got us in two hours late.  I ended up being the last patient they had for the evening…good thing.  In spite of us having to wait for the treatment to get started (a four hour treatment), it was a good thing.  All the nurses were available when I developed an allergic reaction to the last drug they gave me.  Three nurses worked like a team, one getting me on oxygen, the other shooting me up with Benadryl and another putting a hot pack under my back to ward off the muscle spasms.  Within a minute the reaction began to ease.  Had I developed the reaction when they had other patients to attend to, no telling how fast they could have been in there.  The Universe moved again.

Woke up one morning to the sound of bird song outside the window.  I just lay there, soaking it up, smiling.  The rain came down and I had been studying about Lady Danu.  I went to the window with my cat and we both just looked out and watched the rain fall, the clouds roll across the sky and I thanked Danu with tears in my eyes.  (I love the rain!)  It was all just so beautiful.

Seeing life and little miracles around me…Death is the teacher.  I’m learning to see these things and just grin from ear to ear.



Crimson Dawn sequel: “Double Vision, Double Minded – Part 1” to be released in June.

The sequel to my “Dimenlien Chronicles” series: “Crimson Dawn” will be released around June 19th.  The sequel is very long, over 107,000 words, so it will be broken up into three ‘shorts’.  Part 1 will introduce the cross-over scenario with guest characters found in my “GemInI Souls” series.  Namely Razeal, Irene Shannon and Mistress Garen.

It took me over a year and a half to get a handle on this sequel.  I’ve had to write out some of the characters as they have served their purpose, at least for this story line.  It’s been a hard road to hoe as so much of the story will be wrapped up with the sequel (s).  Once finished, I can then focus on how the heroes will deal with what’s been dealt to them.  The series will officially head in the direction the first story line of the Black Tigress leads up to.  I am excited about the prospects.  (Again, one of my ‘focuses’ in my fight.)

Also, my fantasy A/U series: “The Harp & Sword Chronicles” will have it’s sequel ‘short’, “The Vision”, released sometime in August.  I’m working on it today as I fluctuate back and forth between it and this blog day. 😉

I have to say that my favorite of all three story lines is my H & S Chronicles.  Thaddeus and Stephen are special to me as I devoted over 10 years to them.  My world for them is not as in depth as those worlds created by other fantasy authors, as I find myself wanting to just dive into the relationship between the boys more than I want to focus on the world around them, letting the history and development of that world unveil as they go on their adventures.  Not that there isn’t a world built up around them, but it’s mostly about them and how they deal with the Gods who want to control their lives.  Which belief system is right, or are they both right?  Is darkness pure evil?  Are there possible good things to be had when dealing with adversity?  Stephen, who is dealing with a terminal illness, must come to some conclusions as he is brought to understand that things spiritual are not as cut and dried as he had been taught.  And Thaddeus?  He just needs to realize that not all Gods are bad guys.  But it will take their love for each other to help both boys find their answers.

I’m very excited about these stories moving forward and hope to keep them as part of my focus to ‘live like there IS a tomorrow’.


Wendy Rule’s ‘Elelments’ CD, part of my weaponry

This is a great meditation CD.  When I can’t sleep at night (I wake up around 1:30, 2:00 am pretty much every night now), I put on my music.  Sometimes I start with Zeppelin, and move into Wendy’s material, other times I put her Elements CD on and lay back, thinking of positive things for each element.  My element is Fire.  Michael is my archangel.  I was given a St. Michael medal by a friend to help me in my battle.

I listen to the ‘Fire’ song and things just begin to take shape in my spirit.  I actually ‘feel’ the Universe fighting with me.  I metaphorically take Michael’s hand and ask him to wield his flaming sword to attack the tumor.  I also have a Wales flag on my wall.  I began to utilize the Red Dragon, the protector of Wales, in my fight as well.  When an enlarged lymph node appeared near my heart on the second CT scan, I put the Red Dragon on my heart and am now seeing him attack the negative properties causing the lymph node to enlarge.

I light my candles, incense, and for approximately two hours I fight.  I ease up the fear, drive it back.  I envision the tumor shrinking, the tears come, but they are good tears, tears of joy mixed with determination to win this battle.  I have no choice but to win it.  I’m not ready to leave, not this way, not when things are happening to teach me about what it means to really live.  Not when I’ve got more stories to write, more Zeppelin to listen to, more magick to learn.  These songs, this music, latching on to that link with the spiritual…life is powerful.

One of the things I’m learning is that what I used to think was so important, isn’t.  Not when it compares to my family getting closer (my brother and I were on the outs for a while.  We started getting closer before the Cancer hit, but now…) now I know I can call my brother and cry on his shoulder if I have to.  He’s wept in front of me, and he hurries down to see me when I need him.  He builds me up over the phone when I get scared about going in for another chemo treatment.  He’s Christian, and he doesn’t know that I’m pagan, but he doesn’t need to know.  My niece has been a rock.  She helped me just the other day.  She’s 19 going on 20 and her words to me were: “I’m not a kid anymore.  My shoulders are big enough to help you carry this load.  If you need to rant, to vent, I’m here.  And Aunt Jan, I can handle it.”  (Jan is my real name.)  My brother and his wife and children, my friends, my mom, are the most important people in my life right now.  Differences of belief is not a big enough difference to lose what is really important.  The love of family and friends, and how life is so precious that we must not allow such differences to pull us apart.

They don’t preach to me.  I don’t know if they suspect my beliefs have changed, but I have recently been able to see that all beliefs are one, just utilized differently.  My niece prayed for me over the phone that day.  I was grateful for the prayer.  It was from her heart and it meant the world to me.  I could see Jesus in her love.  This is part of what facing Death is teaching me.  When you’ve got love, from within the music, from within your friends and family, you’ve got the best weapon to beat what is attacking your body.  It gives you determination, a focus and…a purpose.  Without purpose, people just give up.  Find a purpose for your life…and live it.  Key word being: live.



Poem written based on ‘Death Is The Teacher’

I had written about my vision of ‘Death’ being the teacher on my LJ a while ago.

A friend of mine on LJ, hardboiledbaby, was inspired to write a small poem based on my words.  I wanted to share it with you, it touched me so deeply that she would do this.
I hope you enjoy…

The path ahead is narrow
And leads to unknown lands
But raise your eyes, look
All whom you have touched are near
You travel not alone.

Death is the teacher
Everyday miracles seen with the clarity
Of a heart serene
Lessons of life and love, peace and eternity
Guide the spirit home.

The regrets of yesterday, cast off
Like so much jetsam
Lighten the load and free the soul
Breathe in joy, find your way
You travel not alone.

I have more about what I’m learning and Death being the teacher coming up in more posts.  Stay tuned!



Weapons In My Aresnal

When I first learned that I had Cancer, and what type it was, I knew I had to get motivated to fight this battle not just with drugs but with my mind.  I’ve been a pagan for going on nine years, and what I know beyond any doubt is that I am just now starting to learn how to live and enjoy my life.  The spiritual angle in this fight is more than just a spiritual pathworking, it’s become my lifeline.  Part of that spiritual arsenal are things that most people would find unorthodox.

Led Zeppelin is high on my list of weapons I’m using.   I had my priest come over to help me get some sort of grounding done as the fear was fresh and unfamiliar.  He saw my Led Zeppelin tapestries on the wall, my Jimmy Page t-shirt (him playing his double-neck guitar), and we talked about my wanting to go to Wales, to Bron-y-Aur where Jimmy and Robert wrote their songs for Zeppelin 3.  We talked about the cancer, about my fear of leaving this earth before I’m ready, about what we can do, what I can do, to fight this.  We talked for about 90 minutes.  He asked me, “You’re very knowledgeable in spiritual matters, you have a lot of head knowledge, but where’s your heart, where’s your soul?”  I thought about it for a few seconds.  “I guess my soul is my music, that’s where my spirit really stirs, when I listen to Zeppelin, when I listen to Jimmy play.”  He asked, “What’s the most angry guitar solo Jimmy’s ever done in your opinion?”  I thought about it again and replied, “I can’t think of an angry one right off hand, but I can say that the most passionate one is the solo from ‘Achilles’ Last Stand’.  My priest, “How appropriate.  Now, call that solo up in your mind.  Hear the notes play in your mind.”  I did.  He then said, “Lay down.”  I laid down on my bed and he led me through a guided meditation.  When I was completely relaxed, he said, “Call that guitar solo up in your mind now.  Listen to the notes, and picture those notes attacking the tumor.”  I did.  Not only did I pictures the notes surrounding the tumor and attacking it from all sides, but I also saw Jimmy stabbing the tumor with his fret-board.  I was so moved by what I was envisioning, the tears came.

He led me back to center, I grounded and felt much better.  My priest said, “You need to surround yourself with music.”  What I didn’t tell him, before this insight was given, was that the night before I had gone to a friend’s house and we watched ‘Duran Duran’ Live from London.  She’d gotten the DVD for Christmas.  My mom stays with me during the first bouts of illness from the chemo treatments.  I was starting chemo at that point so my body was going through the mill.  I had gotten sick before my friend came to pick me up.  I was shaking, pale, weak and nauseous.  As I watched Duran Duran, my friend and her sister and I got involved with the singing, we danced.  I got home, my mom said, “You need a CD Player.  You look much better than when you left here tonight.  You need music.”  I found my CD player, my mom had batteries.   I went to bed listening to Duran Duran and Led Zeppelin.  And then my priest said the same thing the next day.

A few days later, I was heading for Radiation treatments.  I got very sick with bowel problems and vomiting.  As I laid in bed, my mom gave me my CD player with Led Zeppelin already inside.  Mom said later that within minutes of putting the music on, my body relaxed, my face eased and I was doing much better.

I invested in an MP3 player, downloaded my Zeppelin, Duran Duran, U2, and some new age material to help me sleep at night.
I’ve since downloaded Wendy Rule and the one album by her I listen to more than any of her others is the Meditation on the 4 Elements. (More on this one in another post.)

When I listen to Led Zeppelin, though, there’s a definite connection in regards to fighting the tumor.  I now envision the notes surrounding the tumor and beating it bloody.  Pretty dang soon, that damn thing is going to shrink small enough to fade to nothing, cowering in a corner as it does so.

When someone says that music heals, I believe it.  🙂

Staring Death In The Face…

Back in 2005 I had a vision. I’m not prone to visions, I’ve had about 2 in my entire life. This one came as I was waking up. I did not open my eyes, but I was fully conscious. The vision came into my mind clear as a TV screen. I was in a classroom, with the old style wooden desk-chairs with the curved half desk table top. A green chalk board was in the front and a friend of mine was sitting in his seat in front of me in a way blocked the teacher’s desk. When my friend turned to face front I was able to see the teacher’s desk and sitting behind it, staring at me…was Death. Skull face, hooded robe. There was no doubt in mind it was Death, though I did not see the scythe. He was looking right at me. I was caught in his gaze and I kept saying; “Do not look away. Do not look away. Do not look away.” I stared him down for about 30 seconds to a minute. Finally, he lowered his head and turned his back on me. The vision faded to black and I opened my eyes. I told a friend of mine about this vision, and she said, “Death was the teacher?” It took me off guard, but she stated the obvious and I had not put two and two together. But she was right. Death *was* the teacher. And he was the one who broke the stand-off and turned his back on me. I am now living that vision. Death is the teacher and I am facing him down. I’ve had cancer for five months now, uterine cancer, at least starting in the uterus. Doctor thought it was a fibroid tumor. The Endometrium biopsy showed ‘negative’ results, but the tumor turned out to be an Endometrium Stromal Sarcoma. It carries a 15% survival rate. It’s a very rare cancer that hits 4% of women. Of course I would get *this* cancer. When they removed the uterus and the tumor, we had no certainty that the cells did not breach the uterus wall. The oncologist gave me a choice, which was really no choice. There was nothing to radiate, and no guarantee that they didn’t get all of the cancer and remove it with the uterus. I decided to ‘watch and wait’. I should have gone with the chemo therapy right then. The new tumor grew to the size of a softball within a month, located in my pelvic region right over my vagina. I was told this was an aggressive form of cancer. When the tumor finally showed, we had to start chemo right away. The good news is that there’s no pain, not like I had at the beginning of this fight. The second CT scan showed the tumor had not grown in two months and the lymph nodes around it had started shrinking. I had another CT scan this week, results TBA, But there’s no pain, not like before. Death is teaching me things. It’s been five months. Other than being ill after the chemo, I feel normal, I feel fine. As aggressive as they say this cancer is, it’s slowing down. It’s a long road, I’ve got a heavy fight still in front of me, but this day my blogs will be dealing with what Death is teaching me. I wanted to start with the vision, first. I’m facing Death in the eye and I’ll be damned if I blink first. He’s going to turn his back on me. He’s going to give up before I do. I’m holding onto that. With that being said, let the day begin. 🙂

New Interview

Hi, all,

Just a note to let you guys know that Jesse Fox kindly invited me to do an interview with her at her new blog project “The Fox Hole”.

She asked some great questions and her goal is to give the interviewee the feel of being ourselves.  I felt very comfortable and let my hair down a bit.  I also talked about my new upcoming release from Dark Roast Press: “GemInI Souls”, which will be released on August 25th.  I hope you’ll check it out and Jesse’s blog!  Great stuff from our fellow writer!