You Shouldn’t Feel That Way

One of the least helpful things a person can do is tell someone else that they shouldn’t feel how they are feeling. No matter how well intentioned the comment, it never helps and is inherently harming. This is newly learned stuff for me. I have the right to feel however I am feeling. It does not matter how uncomfortable or inconvenient other people find those emotions, I am entitled to feel however I actually feel. I’ll play out some frequent ‘you shouldn’t feel that way’ scenarios in this blog and flag up the issues and better ways of handling them.

Because I didn’t mean it. This is useful information if it’s actually true. If you want it to be taken as such say sorry as well. Find out why the upset person took it the way they did and you will know more for next time. Maybe it was a communication breakdown. Maybe there are things you do not know. If you are asking them to hear that there was no intention to hurt then you have to hear that they ARE hurt and deal with that. An honourable person takes responsibility for the unintended consequences of their actions. An abusive person will use the line ‘you shouldn’t feel that way because I didn’t mean to hurt you’ and phrases like it to enable them to get away with abuse and to shift responsibility onto the victim. If you sincerely meant no harm, then it is vital to acknowledge when you have accidentally caused it.

You should be over it by now. Often applied to people who have not recovered from grief or anger. This is about the needs of the speaker, not the needs of the one who is upset. If what you mean is ‘I can’t cope with this,’ ‘I don’t understand why this is affecting you so much,’ or ‘I am not interested in how you feel’ then it is more honourable to acknowledge it is so. No one is obliged to deal with how someone else feels, and if you can’t cope it may be better to step back. If someone else’s feelings are uncomfortable or inconvenient to you, do not make them responsible for that. You can most certainly ask them to BEHAVE in a different way but not to FEEL in a different way.

Because it’s stupid/pointless/irrational/excessive/does not make sense to me. Just because you wouldn’t feel that way in the same circumstances, or do not understand the reaction you are seeing does not make it ok to invalidate the other person’s emotions. They are not you, and they feel differently. If you feel they are over-reacting, you will not change that by putting them down. Acknowledge how they feel, talk about the context with them. Be at least as willing to listen as to offer your opinion. They are allowed to respond differently to you. They have a different history, different emotional triggers, different issues and they perceive differently.

Because you’re upsetting me. When someone else’s emotions cause us pain it’s tempting to want to make them stop it. But again, start from the assumption that if you are entitled to feel upset right now, so are they, and a playground style ‘he started it’ won’t help. Expressing difficulty with behaviour is one thing – if someone is shouting, or hysterical then saying that you are upset by their behaviour is fine. They are responsible for how they manifest their emotions.

It is very hard to control how you feel – that’s part of the nature of emotions. We do have a fair amount of control over how we express them, and if all else fails it’s usually possible to walk away for a few moments and seek composure. Acting in the heat of emotion is seldom productive. Denying someone else the space to have their own feelings is abusive all by itself and leaves them vulnerable to further abuse. We all have the right to feel, and we never have the right to deny someone else their emotions. We have the right to ask others to handle their emotions with honour, and we have the duty to do the same ourselves, as far as is humanly possible. When someone says ‘you shouldn’t feel that way’ they are taking something precious away from the person on the receiving end. They are taking away that person’s confidence that they are entitled, and allowed to feel. It is a rubbishing of a person’s most essential self, and never, ever ok. I’ve been on the wrong end of this too many times and from here onwards am taking a zero tolerance policy. I am not going to be told how I should, or should not feel and I am not going to trust anyone who thinks they are entitled to do that. Knowing what it does to a person, I will not let this one go unchallenged any time I encounter it.

8 thoughts on “You Shouldn’t Feel That Way”

  1. This is such a relevant post to me!
    While studying counselling, I became super-sensitive to such remarks and even the most well meaning person can carry the undertone of “there there dont cry, don’t feel what you’re feeling, or don’t feel it for long, let me see I’m cheering you up or I’ll get upset too”
    The worst thing for me is having to pretend that I’m comforted/cheered by friends, when really I just want to wade through whatever emotional puddle I’ve found myself in.
    The most powerful thing a person can do for another (and why I think counselling can be so succesful) is to allow someone their feelings in their entireity without judgement.

    A very powerful blog post for me this one!

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  2. Very relevant to me also, brynneth. I have always tried to do and say what other people wanted me to do or say. This has seriously dented my self-confidence, I regret to say.
    Thanks again for a brilliant post.

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  3. This has also been used to me as ‘You don’t think that really’, or ‘you don’t like that’ – both phrases that are utterly baffling and shocking in their presumption. Asking about feelings or thoughts is one thing, but the act of presuming to TELL someone else they’re flat out wrong with no discussion or understanding floors me every time with its ignorance.

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  4. Thank you everyone for responding. I am all lump in throat here, in a good sort of way 🙂

    As for posting on facebook, I usually post these to my page there, so picking up from me to post on is easy, (I’m Nimue Brown and int the UK, on there so should be easy to find.) Or if you click on the title of the post you should get it as a page, and the url from there can be copied and posted. I don’t think we’ve got any direct gadgets for doing that on here.

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  5. I’m very happy to find this great site. I wanted to thank you for ones time for this particularly wonderful read!!
    I definitely enjoyed every little bit of it and i also have you bookmarked to look at new stuff
    in your site.

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