Light in the darkness

Having blogged about happiness yesterday I went on to have one of the most heart-breakingly awful days I’ve had in a long time. Others commenting on facebook about yesterday’s post, asked about hard times and situations beyond our control. Well, I have one, and I’ve done a lot of crying in the last 24 hours.

Even in the darkness, there are lights.

The kindness and support of friends and family as they rally round, offering words, advice, insight and hope.

My beautiful, courageous son who believes I should do what I can, who offers support and a willingness to make sacrifices in order to help find a way through.

Sitting with James on the style into a field full of deer, watching them. Finding two shire horses who were going out with a cart. I love shires, they spark my imagination.

It’s being a bitch of a day, but I have honour, love and determination. I know I will do whatever it takes, and there’s a comfort of sorts to be had in that. I count my blessings. I am loved. Apparently, I am worth fighting for.

Pain makes it easy to pull back from the world, to become isolated in an attempt at self defence, or wanting to hide the pain as a matter of pride. I’m crying openly, people are coping with it. Being able to share makes a lot of odds. There is also the issue of being open to small details, not being so shut off from the world that I can’t take delight in the antics of a cat, or treasure the many ways in which I am blessed. Swamped with distress, it can be so easy to lose track of where the good things still are. Even in the worst situations, the sun still rises, birds still sing, stars still shine. There are still tunes to play and stories to share. There are moments of wonder and beauty to appreciate.

I’m not advocating ‘happy’ as the only way to be. There are times of grief and injuries that can only be embraced, never let go of. The loss of loved ones, of land, innocence or hope, and more. Being happy is a choice, and sometimes, it is better, more honourable to embrace the distress instead. But the stars still shine, and there are still cute bunnies in the hedgerows, and it is important not to forget how to smile.

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