Wendy Rule’s ‘Elelments’ CD, part of my weaponry

This is a great meditation CD.  When I can’t sleep at night (I wake up around 1:30, 2:00 am pretty much every night now), I put on my music.  Sometimes I start with Zeppelin, and move into Wendy’s material, other times I put her Elements CD on and lay back, thinking of positive things for each element.  My element is Fire.  Michael is my archangel.  I was given a St. Michael medal by a friend to help me in my battle.

I listen to the ‘Fire’ song and things just begin to take shape in my spirit.  I actually ‘feel’ the Universe fighting with me.  I metaphorically take Michael’s hand and ask him to wield his flaming sword to attack the tumor.  I also have a Wales flag on my wall.  I began to utilize the Red Dragon, the protector of Wales, in my fight as well.  When an enlarged lymph node appeared near my heart on the second CT scan, I put the Red Dragon on my heart and am now seeing him attack the negative properties causing the lymph node to enlarge.

I light my candles, incense, and for approximately two hours I fight.  I ease up the fear, drive it back.  I envision the tumor shrinking, the tears come, but they are good tears, tears of joy mixed with determination to win this battle.  I have no choice but to win it.  I’m not ready to leave, not this way, not when things are happening to teach me about what it means to really live.  Not when I’ve got more stories to write, more Zeppelin to listen to, more magick to learn.  These songs, this music, latching on to that link with the spiritual…life is powerful.

One of the things I’m learning is that what I used to think was so important, isn’t.  Not when it compares to my family getting closer (my brother and I were on the outs for a while.  We started getting closer before the Cancer hit, but now…) now I know I can call my brother and cry on his shoulder if I have to.  He’s wept in front of me, and he hurries down to see me when I need him.  He builds me up over the phone when I get scared about going in for another chemo treatment.  He’s Christian, and he doesn’t know that I’m pagan, but he doesn’t need to know.  My niece has been a rock.  She helped me just the other day.  She’s 19 going on 20 and her words to me were: “I’m not a kid anymore.  My shoulders are big enough to help you carry this load.  If you need to rant, to vent, I’m here.  And Aunt Jan, I can handle it.”  (Jan is my real name.)  My brother and his wife and children, my friends, my mom, are the most important people in my life right now.  Differences of belief is not a big enough difference to lose what is really important.  The love of family and friends, and how life is so precious that we must not allow such differences to pull us apart.

They don’t preach to me.  I don’t know if they suspect my beliefs have changed, but I have recently been able to see that all beliefs are one, just utilized differently.  My niece prayed for me over the phone that day.  I was grateful for the prayer.  It was from her heart and it meant the world to me.  I could see Jesus in her love.  This is part of what facing Death is teaching me.  When you’ve got love, from within the music, from within your friends and family, you’ve got the best weapon to beat what is attacking your body.  It gives you determination, a focus and…a purpose.  Without purpose, people just give up.  Find a purpose for your life…and live it.  Key word being: live.



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