Opening Doors and Parking Spaces, Rain And Bird Song

As the battle goes, so do the eyes open to see.

Many times over the last few months as I’ve been going to treatments and dealing with this ‘transition’, as someone wisely opined about this event, I’ve seen things most of us take for granted.  My cat never sleeps on my stomach.  The day I was diagnosed with the tumor, he plopped down on my abdomen right over where the tumor was found and slept there for about 2-3 hours.  I was so exhausted emotionally that I didn’t move during that entire time.  Plus, I didn’t want him to move so I stayed where I was, feeling his healing energy flow into me.  He knew.  The Universe knew.

Going to my Radiation treatments, for two treatments in a row I went to the elevator doors and before I even reached out to touch the button to call them up, the doors opened and I just walked right on in.

One day, after receiving my disability placard for my car, we drove into the parking lot of the hospital for the last chemo treatment.  Mom said, “There’s a spot over here,” she waved over to a far corner of the lot.  I had already turned down the aisle for the handicapped.  (My mom needs it as much as I do, she suffers a lung illness and can’t walk far without needing to sit down.)  I told her, “Let’s just see if there’s a spot open here.”  No sooner did I finish the sentence than a car pulled out of a handicapped space and we were able to pull right in.  My mom just rolled her eyes, “I give up.  You’re right, you’re right.  The Universe is with us.”

We go to the elevator…it opens up again.  Mom just gave me another look.  I just grinned.

During one treatment, we arrived on time, but they got us in two hours late.  I ended up being the last patient they had for the evening…good thing.  In spite of us having to wait for the treatment to get started (a four hour treatment), it was a good thing.  All the nurses were available when I developed an allergic reaction to the last drug they gave me.  Three nurses worked like a team, one getting me on oxygen, the other shooting me up with Benadryl and another putting a hot pack under my back to ward off the muscle spasms.  Within a minute the reaction began to ease.  Had I developed the reaction when they had other patients to attend to, no telling how fast they could have been in there.  The Universe moved again.

Woke up one morning to the sound of bird song outside the window.  I just lay there, soaking it up, smiling.  The rain came down and I had been studying about Lady Danu.  I went to the window with my cat and we both just looked out and watched the rain fall, the clouds roll across the sky and I thanked Danu with tears in my eyes.  (I love the rain!)  It was all just so beautiful.

Seeing life and little miracles around me…Death is the teacher.  I’m learning to see these things and just grin from ear to ear.



Crimson Dawn sequel: “Double Vision, Double Minded – Part 1” to be released in June.

The sequel to my “Dimenlien Chronicles” series: “Crimson Dawn” will be released around June 19th.  The sequel is very long, over 107,000 words, so it will be broken up into three ‘shorts’.  Part 1 will introduce the cross-over scenario with guest characters found in my “GemInI Souls” series.  Namely Razeal, Irene Shannon and Mistress Garen.

It took me over a year and a half to get a handle on this sequel.  I’ve had to write out some of the characters as they have served their purpose, at least for this story line.  It’s been a hard road to hoe as so much of the story will be wrapped up with the sequel (s).  Once finished, I can then focus on how the heroes will deal with what’s been dealt to them.  The series will officially head in the direction the first story line of the Black Tigress leads up to.  I am excited about the prospects.  (Again, one of my ‘focuses’ in my fight.)

Also, my fantasy A/U series: “The Harp & Sword Chronicles” will have it’s sequel ‘short’, “The Vision”, released sometime in August.  I’m working on it today as I fluctuate back and forth between it and this blog day. 😉

I have to say that my favorite of all three story lines is my H & S Chronicles.  Thaddeus and Stephen are special to me as I devoted over 10 years to them.  My world for them is not as in depth as those worlds created by other fantasy authors, as I find myself wanting to just dive into the relationship between the boys more than I want to focus on the world around them, letting the history and development of that world unveil as they go on their adventures.  Not that there isn’t a world built up around them, but it’s mostly about them and how they deal with the Gods who want to control their lives.  Which belief system is right, or are they both right?  Is darkness pure evil?  Are there possible good things to be had when dealing with adversity?  Stephen, who is dealing with a terminal illness, must come to some conclusions as he is brought to understand that things spiritual are not as cut and dried as he had been taught.  And Thaddeus?  He just needs to realize that not all Gods are bad guys.  But it will take their love for each other to help both boys find their answers.

I’m very excited about these stories moving forward and hope to keep them as part of my focus to ‘live like there IS a tomorrow’.


Wendy Rule’s ‘Elelments’ CD, part of my weaponry

This is a great meditation CD.  When I can’t sleep at night (I wake up around 1:30, 2:00 am pretty much every night now), I put on my music.  Sometimes I start with Zeppelin, and move into Wendy’s material, other times I put her Elements CD on and lay back, thinking of positive things for each element.  My element is Fire.  Michael is my archangel.  I was given a St. Michael medal by a friend to help me in my battle.

I listen to the ‘Fire’ song and things just begin to take shape in my spirit.  I actually ‘feel’ the Universe fighting with me.  I metaphorically take Michael’s hand and ask him to wield his flaming sword to attack the tumor.  I also have a Wales flag on my wall.  I began to utilize the Red Dragon, the protector of Wales, in my fight as well.  When an enlarged lymph node appeared near my heart on the second CT scan, I put the Red Dragon on my heart and am now seeing him attack the negative properties causing the lymph node to enlarge.

I light my candles, incense, and for approximately two hours I fight.  I ease up the fear, drive it back.  I envision the tumor shrinking, the tears come, but they are good tears, tears of joy mixed with determination to win this battle.  I have no choice but to win it.  I’m not ready to leave, not this way, not when things are happening to teach me about what it means to really live.  Not when I’ve got more stories to write, more Zeppelin to listen to, more magick to learn.  These songs, this music, latching on to that link with the spiritual…life is powerful.

One of the things I’m learning is that what I used to think was so important, isn’t.  Not when it compares to my family getting closer (my brother and I were on the outs for a while.  We started getting closer before the Cancer hit, but now…) now I know I can call my brother and cry on his shoulder if I have to.  He’s wept in front of me, and he hurries down to see me when I need him.  He builds me up over the phone when I get scared about going in for another chemo treatment.  He’s Christian, and he doesn’t know that I’m pagan, but he doesn’t need to know.  My niece has been a rock.  She helped me just the other day.  She’s 19 going on 20 and her words to me were: “I’m not a kid anymore.  My shoulders are big enough to help you carry this load.  If you need to rant, to vent, I’m here.  And Aunt Jan, I can handle it.”  (Jan is my real name.)  My brother and his wife and children, my friends, my mom, are the most important people in my life right now.  Differences of belief is not a big enough difference to lose what is really important.  The love of family and friends, and how life is so precious that we must not allow such differences to pull us apart.

They don’t preach to me.  I don’t know if they suspect my beliefs have changed, but I have recently been able to see that all beliefs are one, just utilized differently.  My niece prayed for me over the phone that day.  I was grateful for the prayer.  It was from her heart and it meant the world to me.  I could see Jesus in her love.  This is part of what facing Death is teaching me.  When you’ve got love, from within the music, from within your friends and family, you’ve got the best weapon to beat what is attacking your body.  It gives you determination, a focus and…a purpose.  Without purpose, people just give up.  Find a purpose for your life…and live it.  Key word being: live.



Poem written based on ‘Death Is The Teacher’

I had written about my vision of ‘Death’ being the teacher on my LJ a while ago.

A friend of mine on LJ, hardboiledbaby, was inspired to write a small poem based on my words.  I wanted to share it with you, it touched me so deeply that she would do this.
I hope you enjoy…

The path ahead is narrow
And leads to unknown lands
But raise your eyes, look
All whom you have touched are near
You travel not alone.

Death is the teacher
Everyday miracles seen with the clarity
Of a heart serene
Lessons of life and love, peace and eternity
Guide the spirit home.

The regrets of yesterday, cast off
Like so much jetsam
Lighten the load and free the soul
Breathe in joy, find your way
You travel not alone.

I have more about what I’m learning and Death being the teacher coming up in more posts.  Stay tuned!