Given the things happening in the last, wow, nearly two months, this is the post that my heart led me to write. It took me awhile to come up with what to say on this topic, but it’s one that is vitally important to me, and to many, many others. BDSM is a fun game to play for many folks, and that is a beautiful, wonderful thing.
But there are those of us who live it. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There are no days off, where I don’t “feel like it.” Because in my particular dynamic, and that of others, it doesn’t matter. Wow, that sounds kinda callous, doesn’t it? It isn’t necessarily though. For certain people, that lack of an off button, the structure that stays in place, is the biggest comfort, the highest tenderness.
A subset of BDSM, M/s, or Master/slave (or Mistress/slave, depending on the wishes of those in charge), is a life we live instead of a game we play. It’s not for everyone, and goodness knows that I wouldn’t expect it to be. But I figured that I would open up this world a bit for all of you faithful readers and, I hope, friends.
The way I live this isn’t the way all M/s-ers live it. It, like much else in the Lifestyle, is very individual. But one of the main things is that it doesn’t end. There’s no “off” time, where our dynamic doesn’t apply. My Master allows me leeway because he wishes to. In the ways he doesn’t wish to, he doesn’t allow it. So sometimes I’m a brat because it amuses him, but there is a line, and I know where it is. I don’t dip a toe over it. Well…I might. Sometimes. But that’s usually a bid for more control to be taken, and Master yanks me back to where I’m supposed to be, where I’m at my most content.
The main reason I’m writing this is because of what happened this April. This April was both the best and worst time in my life. My Master collared me in April, with our engagement collar. That means that our relationship is cemented, but we’re not in our permanent living arrangement just yet. I wear his symbol, and it’s a touchstone that I can reach for when I feel alone, or unsteady, or for any reason. It says that I’m his Girl, on a heart charm, and I never take it off.
In April, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. The scariest diagnosis we’ve ever gotten for her. The one we always talked about, dreaded, and hoped would never come about. And there it was. Two days after I was collared, with my Master staying with me for that week while she was recovering from surgery, the diagnosis came.
I fell apart. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and my entire being was filled with chaos. I needed concrete things to pull me together. So the first thing Master did was hold me close. Even when I struggled, and sobbed, and tried to fight the reality of the situation by fighting against him…he didn’t let go until it was the right time. For a good two hours, I knelt at his feet. I lay my heart in his hands, and trusted him to help me through it all. Submitting that way gave me a chance to center myself. To be convinced that I could be strong in the face of everything and keep on keeping on.
After that, we did the things required by life. Got food from the store, went to the hospital to visit my mother, and cleaned some. He’s anal about cleanliness, and I’m a tornado-in-waiting, so that’s going to require some adjusting on my part, when the time comes to move in together. He has put my priorities in order, and as my Master, that should mean he’s first, right? Nope, not at the moment. He has put himself after the care I need to take of my parents, the effort I need to put into school and work. Because he knows that no matter what, my heart is fixed on him. I depend on him. On his words and his actions and his care.
And every time I spiral into the chaos of my emotions, my overwhelming emotions, I know that he will leash me in. He will keep my whirling dervish nature from hurting me, will exert control over me in the ways I so badly need as a submissive slave, and in return I will worship the ground he walks on in ways big and small. From cleaning the house when I normally let a mess happen, to making his favorite foods, to making him laugh by being a ham, to kneeling at his feet, naked in body and soul. That is living kink.
Keep it real, whatever that means to you. Kink is in the eye of the beholder. And next month, I promise, Romantic Kink will be the topic!
Be safe! Be adventurous! Be taboo!
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