BDSM: What’s Love Got To Do With It?

In the kinky world, things are a bit more complicated when it comes to relationship dynamics. There are fewer expectations, I think, of well-defined romantic relationships, than in the non-kinky world. With all the different personal preferences, there are more options than ever.

There are many people I know who are part of different BDSM dynamics, and don’t have romantic relationships with their partners. It is something that has often befuddled me, because in my view, love is very important as part of a long-term relationship that often involves sex and vulnerability on a deep level. For me, being with someone as a slave has to include love, at least on my end of things. However, that’s not always the case. There are several instances where love has nothing to do with it. There are connections such as friendship, service and desire.

Some relationships are sexual, without being more connected than just washing the back of someone who washed yours. The connection there can be friendship, or even more casual than that. Many choose this option when their primary partner (often a marriage partner) is unaware of or unwilling to participate in their kinky desires. This can often lead to cheating, and though nonmonogamy is actually approved of in the kink world, dishonesty tends to be frowned upon. If you know your partner-in-kink is lying to his or her spouse, then what might they not be telling you? However sometimes the sexual connection is just that: scratching an itch, friends with benefits, and no one is hurt. I find that this is often a placeholder for a relationship, something to make coping with singlehood easier, or something to augment an existing relationship, such as adding the occasional third/fourth to the bedroom.

Friendship is a wonderful, beneficial bond. It can also be the basis for BDSM dynamics. Those who might not want to be sexually involved, or who might want sex and kink but already have a romantic partner with no desire for another, can choose to not get romantically involved with someone. There are people who are married to vanilla partners, are deeply in love with those non-kinky partners, but fulfill their kinky needs with others. Though they do that, some have no room, romantically, to love another in that romantic way. Still others cannot see being in love with someone who they might cause pain for, or dominate, or submit to (on the other end of that stick). It’s a choice to separate the two kinds of relationships, and for some…it works well.

Some relationships are purely service based. Some kinksters find pleasure and satisfaction in providing services, such as cleaning, cooking, babysitting, or serving as furniture. It can have very little to do with sex, and everything to do with knowing what outlets are the best for the individual. Some find it easier to submit to servicing another if the relationship is more formal. Sometimes it does involve sex though, and servicing sexually is a form of submission that may or may not involve a permanent relationship of any kind. Sometimes the sex is part of the services that include cleaning and cooking! It’s all about what works for the people involved.

Another service-based BDSM relationship is pay for play(think Pro-Domme). Professional Dominants provide a service, and there are those people who are willing to pay to submit. It is another way to keep different relationships in different boxes. Those who pay aren’t weak, or unattractive, or unable to find partners, despite how it may sound. It is just sometimes easier, especially for those who are married, or work long hours and need to fulfill this desire in a controlled way.

As you can see, there are many options for BDSM that don’t involve love in the romantic sense of the word. However, they do involve connections that range in intensity, and are no less special for lacking the L-word. Romance can be wonderful, but not everyone wishes to mix their kinks with their heart. Romantic Kink is something I’ll cover in the next Think Taboo!

Be Safe! Be Adventurous! Be Taboo!

Dena Celeste