I’ve always kept my story a secret unless I’ve run across those who were in need of guidance. Until here recently when Bryn showed me that there were so many out
there that needed to hear my story. It’s not a story of the weak hearted. I ask you take the wisdom with you after you read this and not leave pity. I was 13 years old when the
ways of magic were introduced to me by my first teacher. The world knows it as Devil worship where you are bound by the Devil. I spilled my blood to make the pact because
my teacher told me I had to or I would never know the ways of magic and the power I would possess. So, I did as I was taught to do. I chanted the demon’s sign and symbol, prayed to it to seek knowledge. Deep down I realized somehow this was wrong. A voice nagged at me for a long time to change, but at first I didn’t listen. A year later, my step father at the time moved us to Idaho. I still kept following the ways I was taught and had no one to turn to for guidance or new knowledge. Another year passed and we moved to Decatur, AL where I met a girl who held my heart upon first laying eyes on her. My mom still forced me to go to church. It was a southern Baptist church at that.
I burned inside every time I stepped foot in it. Lis, who was my best friend at the time, I taught her what I knew. Together we moved mountains. But my world crashed when she met her husband and he was christian and insisted she go with him. My world came down on me loosing her to the man who would break us apart. She became pregnant and he made her choose between him and the baby or me. Out of fear of losing her baby, she chose him. I prayed, I cried, I rebelled. Nothing worked to ease my pain and suffering. Once the baby girl was born, Lis snuck me pictures, snuck me in so I could see the baby she’d named after me. Gut feeling allowed me to bless her the right way. I had no clue what I was doing, but I follow that magic hand and bless her for the Gods and Goddess’s to watch over and protect her. The demon was not pleased.
Lis called me in the middle of the night begging me to do something because the baby was dyeing. The demons were trying to take her from the world of the living. I prayed and asked what I could do in order to save the baby. I even asked the demons if I could give them my body as a sacrifice if they’d leave the babe alone and allow the innocent to live. I got riddles. When my energy was about out from no sleep and begging for the baby’s life, I heard a voice tell me they’d accept my soul and leave the babe to live. I chanted the words that would change my life. I will not utter them here, but I walked soulless from the time I was 15 until I was 32. I was miserable. I can’t tell you what it’s like to be a void. I knew no love, no peace, no happiness, nothing. Anytime I’d try to pray for God to rescue me, my words went unheard and I was told “you made your bed and your choice”. And I’d argue that I did it to save the life of an innocent. The baby is alive and well still to this day, for those who are wondering. I don’t get to see her and I don’t know where they are, but my soul feels her presence.
But, back to the story at hand. I dreamed I would meet someone who would help me and I didn’t believe my dreams. I just thought it was wishful thinking invading my sleep until 5 years ago I met a Shaman and Arch Druid. They changed my life. The Arch become my teacher along with the Shaman. She fought the dark which held me. It drained her energy completely to bring me my soul back so I could live again. I felt the rush through my body and savored every inch of the emotions which engulfed me.
It’d been 17 years since I’d felt anything for anyone. I cried like a baby and felt no shame. I loved her more than anything because she was able to give me something back I’d lost saving someone else. I’ve been practicing on the “white” side of the realm now since then. And I plan on keeping it that way. I owe my life to that woman. I walk a gray path now. Not either realm, but both. My faith has brought me to the path of a water Goddess.
I hope someone out there can relate to this, or learn from it. We all have tough decisions to make. There may be times when you can lean on others for help, but the solitary path is a hard one. Choices to be made are not kind, and the consequences are fatal. If someone who introduces you to the craft and says you have to use blood at the altar for sacrifice, you have the choice to say no, it doesn’t go this way. Follow your hearts. You pray (meditate) your call will be heard, but not until you close everything and everyone out and open your mind, body, and especially your soul. Then you will be heard and given and answer.
Thanks Bryn for helping me to see the light my story could bring to someone. Goddess Bless all of you who read my column. Thank you so much for your support, It means the world to me to know I have people out there that like what they read. Or can enjoy the thoughts in my head.
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