When I first began writing The Eggshell Effect, I spoke about domestic violence and verbal abuse, yet verbal abuse seems to be largely ignored and both genders seem to think yelling, screaming and trading insults is not abuse. Verbal abuse is abuse, no matter who is doing it. People who find themselves on either side of verbal abuse should seek help immediately. Call your local mental health provider, or counseling center and help yourself as well as your partner.
Domestic violence is not always about physical abuse and many people suffer with verbal abuse from their partners for years because they think this is “normal” for marriages. Verbal abuse can be subtle or overt and even though it doesn’t leave bruises or other outside evidence, it does cause emotional damage, and in some cases, damage that never heals.
Overt verbal abuse comes in the form of angry outbursts, screaming, and can be blaming and accusatory, which is confusing for the
victim of these outbursts. On the other hand, covert verbal attacks are also confusing. These attacks are hidden aggression, but no matter which form the abuse takes, the goal is the same: to control and manipulate the other person.
Verbal abuse is insidious and unpredictable. Verbal abuse is not a side issue of problems that already exist in a relationship; verbal abuse is the issue. Verbal abuse undermines the other person’s self-esteem and they may react by changing their own behavior in order to keep the abuser happy.
Some forms of verbal abuse are sarcasm, hurtful jabs, put-downs, and comments about the other person’s dress, looks, abilities, etc. The abuser may say these things sincerely, without obvious anger, but they are simply covering their real feelings in the false appearance of saying things for the other person’s “own good.” Verbal abuse may also be covered in the guise of jokes. Inevitably, verbal abuse escalates in frequency, duration, and variety, and may be accompanied by shoving, pushing, and bumping.
A person who loves you does not put you down. They do not tell you how stupid you are, or how fat, or ugly, or incapable of getting by on your own. A person who loves you doesn’t ridicule you in public, or private, or try to make you feel worthless. A person who loves you doesn’t “accidentally” push you into a wall, or down the stairs, and they don’t tell your friends or children how horrible you are.
People who love you, build you up; they don’t tear you down. People who love you help you, instead of hurting you. People who love you want to see you succeed, not fail. People who love you put themselves second and you first. People who love you rally your friends for support when you need it, they don’t close you off from those friends.
If you are in a relationship where you are being abused, verbally or physically or both, please get help. Call a friend, call the mental health department in your town, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for information on how to get help.
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Filed under: Articles, Column: The Eggshell Effect, Rie McGaha Tagged: | domestic violence, verbal abuse
The awful thing about verbal abuse is you never see a bruise. One day you look at yourself in the mirror and the only reflection you see is the one in the abuser’s eyes.
That is absolutely true, Erin. Eventually, the abused begin to believe the abuser is right and that is the only person they can see. Thanks for your comment.
No. Words don’t hurt you. Eyes don’t hurt you. Hands — and feet, and weapons — do. Anyone who’s ever been in a real physical fight knows the difference.
All you have to do to stop words from even making you “feel bad” is to *stop believing them*. Anyone who’s ever cast a spell knows that if you don’t *believe* in it, it won’t work. Simple disbelief can make an unbreachable shield.
Besides, I’m worried about the idea that any kind of speech should be controlled by law. Creeping censorship, under any name or any excuse, is far more dangerous than any words can be.
–Leslie < )O(
I see where you are coming from Leslie but usually these Verbal abuse cases are not just words and don’t come about so simple. And not even all Pagans have the ability to believe that words are just words unless you give them power. Because the problem is, we have been raised to give them power. And unfortunately, this applies to all women of all faiths. And the human mind can ONLY take but so much.
We’re not taking a secure, Independent woman and tossing her into a harmful situation of ‘words’ whereas she knows the difference…and knows they are harmful. Usually these cases consist of children being raised this way, growing up to think this kind of treatment is normal…having had no love growing up, so they don’t know what is right or wrong…what is true love.
If you are told something day in and day out, eventually you begin to believe it. Especially when you have not been taught or told any other way.
Now I am an optimist, and I believe like you…that no one has power over me unless I let them. But it took a lot of years for me to come to terms with that, because I was not raised that way…I was raised the other.
My children will be raised that way…they will know that they have power to control their lives and if anyone ever mucks with that, kick em to the curb.
I have to completely disagree with Leslie. Plain and simple, you are SOOO wrong. Obviously you have never been in a situation like this. I have been in an extremely abusive relationship, both physically and verbally and emotionally. Verbal abuse is real abuse, and after hearing how completely worthless you are over and over, you DO start to believe it. I dont care how much self esteem you have, or how much you know that you know that you KNOW that the words are not true, they start to sink in. And then that opens the door to physical abuse, the kind that you hide from everyone else because you are convinced that you somehow brought it on yourself and deserved it. I know that a lot of people don’t understand how women can be in abusive relationships, but until you have been there you cannot fathom the mindset that allows that to happen. And I believe that if you have never been in that situation, that you should not be allowed to have any comment on it. I fully agree with what CH Scarlett said. Words DO have power.
I hear you Leslie, and you have a point there. It has to be ok to criticse sometimes, but there’s a world of difference between clear, honourable, needful communication and using language to wound.
Words are where it starts. For me, it was a process of continually being told that I was too demanding, unreasonable, impossible to please, and wrong, which I came to believe. That might not sound to terrible, but when every request becomes part of that, when any expression of distress or hurt becomes ‘you are overreacting’ then life gets very hard. The physical hurting follows so easily, and you know not to protest, because your self worth has been dismantled long since.
It’s taken me quite some time to get beyond that, and be able to say that no, it was not ok. I’d be reduced to tears, and then end up appologising for having been so unfair, and so unreasonable as to cry over whatever it was that time, and cause discomfort to someone else by so doing. I still find it really hard to ask for help, to flag up when I’ve been accidentally hurt (much less deliberately), or to admit when I’m not happy because I am still afraid of the consequences. And when I know I’ve got something wrong, the panic and fear I go through is still crippling. Years of being told that I make too much fuss.
Now kinder, gentler people are teaching me to acknowledge when I am in pain, and to know that I can do so safely, without criticism, and that I can ask for help without getting told off. It makes worlds of difference. And I read this back, and wonder if you too will feel that I’m making fuss about nothing, and over reacting, and in creeps the fear of the knock back.
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